My Rainbow Pride and Constant Self

Living a gay life is not easy. Sometimes, you face both problems you already had when you were in the closet, plus other problems you are not familiarized with yet. And this is where pride, the good kind, comes in. People have asked me indirectly and frequently why I am so proud of being gay. The question cannot be responded in just one sentence.

             These days, I have been thinking a lot about the pride I have for being gay. When I was little, I would always keep my secret hidden, mostly because society has obligated me to do so. I was still innocent and would not completely understand the world around me, but one thing I definitely understood was that being gay was wrong in society’s eyes, and that there is no other choice rather than to change. Even so, I would somehow show hints and clues about my secret to the world. I used to not care about what people thought, said, or did to me; I just lived my own life.

             However, as time passed, I grew wiser, learning about the rules the world puts on gay people. Many times, I would just be terrified about being gay because of all the rejection and hate society has over us. When I was a child, I would not think about or imagine myself coming out to people and my family, but rather, I would see it more as a daily and common thing. However, as I grew older, I just truly felt the urge that I someday needed to tell everyone. Something just told me I needed to do it.

             Even today, I do not regret being gay. I know many people believe that being gay is wrong, but other people believe it is just common, and others believe being gay is normal but it is wrong to have homosexual relations. Just ignoring all speculations and opinions over being gay, whether it may be good or bad, for a moment, it has truly shaped me the way I am today. Because I am gay, because I have suffered and struggled so much, I can actually have the opportunity and privilege to reach out to people from around the world with this blog. Even if people think being gay is a sin and try to implant that ideal into my mind, I will, unfortunately for them, never think like that. I am sorry for all of those people who try. I truly believe with all of my heart that being gay is not a sin. Of course, as many people say, God did not create Adam and Steve, but He created Adam and Eve. I totally agree on that without doubt. However, I also truly believe that God can actually use what you call this “sin” in my life for His perfect plan. Even if I am gay, God can and will still use me to fulfill His will. Being gay is also not a choice. Why would people even choose to suffer? Humans tend to always try to choose the simplest and painless paths in life. Then why would being gay be an exception in this case? If it were a choice, I believe almost no one would actually choose it, because they would all know they will suffer going through this path. However, if tomorrow I had the chance to choose whether I want to be straight or still want to be gay, I would still be gay. The feeling that I was born this way for a certain reason is truly ineluctable. I know in the future there will be a lot of hate, but this is why it makes being gay so worth it. I can actually accomplish my dreams of meeting and reaching out to people, who are similar to me, finding that special someone, who will one day become my husband, and most importantly, creating a lovely family and loving them with all of my heart. These are my ultimate goals in life. I would not wish any more than that.

             Being straight may give me less problems, but being gay opens many distinct doors in the future. I know my life will be a constant battle with myself, always trying to decide whether I should stand up to protect a gay person, keep my self-control when the haters come, risk myself to make my voice be heard, and many more. And when I do not do what is right, I will most probably get depressed. But all of these issues and the fact that I am gay are what makes life exciting and unique. I will try really hard to remember these words when the storm comes.

             I, sincerely, tell you. It is not easy. However, that does not mean it is not possible. Do not waste a life full of opportunities. You are truly loved, even if you do not think you are. Each and every one of us, whether gay, lesbian, straight, transgendered, or questioning youths, have a marvelous future ahead of us. Do not, do not, do not, do not, do not give up on life, because even if the door to resolution seems impenetrable, every problem in life has a solution. And remember that nothing good in life comes easy. I may not know your name, where you live, your appearance, or who you are, just remember that I truly love you and that I wish you the best in your life. Have faith that tomorrow will be better.

             If you need help or advice, feel free to send me an inbox or email. I will always have time for people, who need help and support. 🙂 Thank you very much. You guys mean a lot to me.

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/eiichi.nakajima.3

Email: eiichi_cbv@hotmail.com

Just remember, “Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”

Love and peace to all of you,

Eiichi

Facing the World with My Gay Pride

I am so sorry. I have made a terrible mistake. As a friend of mine said, my first post should have been that of my coming out story, so I have decided this post will be about it. I am extremely sorry about it. However, please enjoy it.

              Since May of 2013, I started watching YouTube videos about coming out stories. Some of them were actually pretty terrifying, though they all had something in common. All of them would state that coming out is so worth it and relieving. As I was looking through them, I came across this video, which its “protagonist” was this blue-eyed guy with a gleaming smile. It was actually a Q&A video. Back then, I did not pay as much attention to it, so I kept on delving for some more videos.

              A few weeks passed, and I started subscribing to many YouTube channels. The first channel I ever followed was RussMarine2014, I recall. And since then, I have been trying to watch every video he would update, because it is just truly inspiring and worth to watch. Above that, I would always enjoy and laugh whenever I saw his videos.

              Rapidly, as a month passed since I started watching these coming out videos, I felt this intense confidence and pride of my identity I never felt before. When I was little, I would always be ashamed and embarrassed of being this way. I guess I already knew at that young age that being gay was not an option for society. It was harsh. I remember never being interested in playing with cars or soccer with the other boys. I would always be the pariah of my class. Well, at least, that is how I felt. So just growing up did not help at all. I felt like I needed to change; I felt like I was obligated to change. So I “hooked up” with this girl a while ago. However, I truly regret it, because I have caused a lot pain and suffering to her. She is a beautiful, kind, joyful, loving, young woman. When I came out, she told me she would be happy if I was happy, but some for some reason, even though it was through Facebook, I felt her despair and her heart breaking into a million pieces. So if you are reading this, I just want to tell you I am extremely sorry…

              Finally, I reached the point, where I was completely overjoyed, inspired by the YouTube videos, and proud of my true self. So I decided to firstly, tell the fact that I am gay to some of my friends. The first person that ever knew I was gay, officially, was this shy but kind, harmless girl. I would always recall about it, and I would always laugh. I told her while we were talking through the phone. I made her guess, though, because I could not say the word “gay” yet, but I was sure I had to tell her. So then she started guessing. However, she finally realized it, saying, “Wait…are you what Justin Bieber is?” hahaha I laughed A TON, though it was not that second, because I pretended I did not hear it. However, then I admitted it, and she was really supportive and fine with it.

              The second person I came out to was my ex-English teacher. I still could not directly come out to people, so I asked the first girl who knew I was gay, to tell it to her. After she told my ex-English teacher I was gay, she came and hugged me and told me it was truly fine. She told me to not be ashamed of it. She was and still is a true inspiration in my life.

              The third person who knew I was gay was this guy I used to be friends with. Nowadays, I had warned him to not do something or else, our friendship was over, but he did not listen to me, so I had ceded from our friendship. So I had told a few days before I came out to him, that I needed to tell him a secret that would need to be mentioned in like four years. However, I decided that that day, I would come out to him. I, once again, made him guess. He went on guessing, and I would give him hints and clues about it, until he jokingly said, “You are gay, man?” Before of my automatic reflex, I actually said, “No.” Then, there was this awkward silence, and I finally told him that I was gay. He told me that it was okay and normal to be gay, but I saw it in his eyes, so I told him, “Just in case, I do not like you.” And he seemed truly relieved. I was like, what? I wondered what it would be like if I had a crush on him and declared my love for him right that moment. That would have been nice if it were to happen in a movie, but I know that there would be this awkward air around us if I had ever done it. However, he told me that my parents should be the first ones to know that I am gay.

              With some counseling and encouragements from YouTube videos and my friends, I was truly about to explode with my pride and joy. So on May 31^st, one day before my birthday, I came out to my parents. I was alone in my house, and I had promised to come out to my father or mother, whoever came in that door first. Guess what? It was my father. I told him that I needed to talk to him about something really serious. He sat down. I sat down. We looked at each other. My heart was about to get out of my body, through my mouth, and sprint away from the house. I was so nervous. He knew I was struggling to say something, but he did not know what. So I just focused all of my energy, joy, love, and pride into one point: my mouth, and told him straightforwardly, “Dad, I am gay.” The longest, weirdest silence I had ever experienced. Because I had already watched the video of Russ Marine’s mother’s response to his coming out, I knew that I should not pressure or force him to say something. My father needed time to process what he just heard. At first, he was kind of disappointed, but then, he told me that he would always be in my side, and that he would always love me no matter what. Somehow, the conversation twisted, and when I noticed, we were embroiled in a conversation about religion.

              As I was watching television in my parents’ room, I heard my mother as she went inside the house. Nervous and anxious I was again. I had to come out one more time. My energy had been drained from the coming out with my father, now I needed to do another one with my mother. My mother came inside her room and asked me what was going on between my father and me. Because I was so exhausted, I actually told my mother to ask my father what had happened. The second time she came to my room, she seemed pretty serious. I instantly knew that my father had told her, though I do not actually imagine my father saying the word “gay.” She asked me how I knew I was gay, as she sat beside me on the bed. I told her that I just knew. We talked for a while, and she told me that I should resist those bad tendencies that my body has. With my mother, there actually was not a clear resolution to it, but in the other hand, I received some support from my father. However, I later got frustrated with my mother because she neither understood my point of view nor wanted to know about it. Both of my parents did not want me to make it public, because it would bring too much pain on me. However, I truly wanted to make it public. So chaos was all over the place that night, and all of this happened while my older sister was hanging out with her friends. That night, they were too astonished and angry to cook me dinner. And since then, the topic about is a taboo; it never was stated again.

              On the day of my birthday, I truly wished so that my parents would truly accept me as I am, and so that I would have the courage to make it public. One day before July 1^st, I had finished a “Proud to Love” video, where I actually state that I am proud of loving men, so I had technically come out to everyone already. This has been my first video, concerning the gay topic. However, exactly one month after my birthday, on July 1^st, I came out to every single friend I have through Facebook. I actually was really dubious about it. However, I have so many friends from around the world, and I definitely could not tell them personally, so I decided Facebook was the answer. I wrote this to my friends:

“To all of my Facebook friends:

             I know Facebook may not be the best way to say this; however, I have so many friends, who made a change and will make a change in my life, who live throughout the world. Those friends, who live in Peru, Brazil, Paraguay, Argentina, Japan, the United States, Bolivia, and any other unnamed countries, are extraordinary people whom I truly love and care for. And this is why I want to be sincere with all of you.

I am gay.

             This may be a shock to some, and you even may be angry or feel disgusted about it, but these things will not, even just a bit, change the way I love each and every one of you. It is all your decision and I will respect whichever you choose. If you choose to walk away, I will still love you the same way, and I will always be here for you if you ever need me. Remember that. But if you hate me, you can just click the “unfriend” button.

             I am still the same Eiichi Nakajima I was. I still am myself; I have not changed! I will always love each and every one of you! You are all so special to me. You literally made the person I am today! And I am so proud of it! My goal is still the same: I want to help people the best as possible! I want to inspire and advice different kinds of people from different backgrounds and places. I want to learn and become wiser through their stories, and I want them to become wiser through my personal story.

             I am so sorry. I wanted to tell this to everyone personally, but it would be hard. I just hope all of you would understand me. I prefer this to be known, rather than to lie to all of you. Wish you the best for each and every one of you guys. You guys constantly inspire me! Thank you is not even near the feeling of gratitude I have for each and every one of you. I love you guys!”

              It was around midnight that I posted this. After posting this, I immediately signed out of Facebook and shut down my computer. I was anxious, proud, nervous, excited, eager, and a mix of so many diverse emotions. One of my friends had called me a few minutes later and told me to go sign back in to Facebook, so I did as she told me. Under my post, there were lots of encouraging comments people had written for me. I felt so proud of having them in my life. In the “likes” section, there were over 40 people liking it. However, the next day, over 80 people had like my status. The feeling I had that moment had been extraordinary. I truly could not believe what was happening and what I was feeling. It really was a dream come true. Without questioning, that moment, that day, had been the best day ever in my entire life. I feel so grateful and thankful for having so many support from so many people. And remember though, that no one can actually guarantee the possibility that a coming out will be positive, for there is also the probability that it may be negative. However, no matter which outcome, do not lose hope. There are so many great things that wait for you in the future. Though storms may come, have the faith and hope that it truly will get better!

              I thank each and every one of you for reading my personal story. I know all of you are passing through some kind of storm right now, but just remember that you are surrounded by people, who truly love you. I may not know each and every one of you, but I will always be here for you, no matter what. I truly mean it. If you need anything, you can just contact me. I love you all. “Just remember, it has to rain for there to be a rainbow…If you are going through a big storm right now, know that your rainbow will be even bigger.” (-Jenifer Gayle)

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/eiichi.nakajima.3

Email: eiichi_cbv@hotmail.com

Love and peace to all of you,

Eiichi

Give a Wish to the Future

Coming out in Bolivia has not been as hard as many other places, especially because it is not a country where people are actually against homosexuality, unlike Russia nowadays. However, Bolivia is just truly distinct from the United States. During the entire thirteen and a half years I have been living in Bolivia (not counting the year and a half I have been living in Brazil), I have seen a gay couple only once, and it was about one month ago. Actually, that day, I felt so ecstatic and proud about the LGBT Community. I was truly about to talk to them and become friends with them; however, I could not do it because I was coming back to my house with an older friend, and it was pretty late. Even now, I regret so much not talking to the gay couple. But worse, the moment I saw them, I actually did not see their faces, but rather, I got sooo joyful that my eyes were fixed on their holding hands. I should have looked at their faces, that way maybe someday I could recognize them in the future.

In Bolivia, it actually has been forbidden for people to discriminate in any way possible other people. Because the majority of the population here is indigenous and the president is also indigenous, he has set up a law that prohibits people from discriminating any kind of people. People in Bolivia are actually not pleased with the president. He has not been helping as much the people, and he has been giving too much authority to the indigenous people and too less for the regular people. You may be asking yourself, “How did he become a president?” Well, as I said before, the indigenous people are the majority in the population of Bolivia, almost reaching two thirds of the entire population. Because of this, the president has had the majority of votes, making him the president of Bolivia since 2006.

The law created by the president, of course, also protects lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered people from discrimination. This is a really good thing. However, the EXTREMELY bad thing is that you cannot actually find gay people in Bolivia, especially in the department where I live, La Paz. People do not express themselves in Bolivia as much as in the United States. In the United States, you can actually notice guys/girls holding hands, kissing, flirting, etc. However, in Bolivia, everyone is so reserved. I actually give a hint to people I am gay by using a pink, plain, rubber bracelet in public and even at school, which used to say, “I AM GAY. GET OVER IT!” However, this has caused one of my “friends” to tease me, and in the end, I decided to not be his friend anymore. But even until now, even though the phrase has been erased because it was written in Sharpie on rubber, I still wear the pink bracelet every day to school, delineating the pride I have for being gay. If I did not, then for me, I would be dishonoring my LOVING LGBT Community!

I am actually very, very single. However, I crave so much for a boyfriend every day. I just want someone who truly loves me with all of his heart. Someone who unexpectedly hugs me all the time and who is very humorous. Someone whose smile is as bright as million suns. Someone who is not ashamed of publicly showing love and affection. Someone who tries his best to comfort me when my world is falling apart. Someone who will actually become my husband one day. And ultimately, someone who makes my life happy. I know these are a lot of expectations, but he does not have to meet all of them. Actually, the last one is the most important. It is just truly enough with someone who makes me truly happy and makes me feel safe in his arms. He will become my prince, and I promise I will give my true best to make him happy the same way he will make me happy. I am truly excited for what the future will bring to me. I just cannot wait anymore!

Thank you for reading my blog! Thank you, Tina, especially, for giving me some topics I could talk about! I encourage you, if you have any questions, struggles, or just free topics you want me to talk about, feel free to ask them!!! Also, if you have any suggestions, do not doubt in telling them to me. I love each and every one of you!!! Thank you for taking your time!!! Please like, follow, or reblog my blog. J Have an awesome day! And do not forget! Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I will be posting a new entry!!! So be sure to send to me any topics you want me to talk about. You can comment on this post, or you can send them to my email (eiichi_cbv@hotmail.com), and I bet I will answer your questions or topics, or you can add me in Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/eiichi.nakajima.3) ❤

Love and peace to all of you,

Eiichi

Homosexuality VS. Friendships

In this world, there are diverse kinds of people. Therefore, there are many kinds of friendships. When I came out to everyone through Facebook, almost three months ago, I did not have friendship problems. No one actually acted homophobic and wanted me to get out of their lives. However, I feel like some of my relationships have become very distant, while others got even closer than before.

Since a while before I came out to everyone, I started watching YouTube coming out videos, like any other person would actually do while they are in the closet. Many of the positive-resulting coming out videos stated that everything went truly well and that not one of their friends had said anything bad about them or acted homophobic. Even for me, as I said before, no one acted rude or hated me for coming out. However, the bummer is that we cannot read other people’s minds. We may actually see their actions and hear their words when they are around, but we cannot be sure as to whether or not they are faking it or telling the truth. I know people who are exactly like that. One day they are talking to you and telling you how good and kind you are, but in the second you leave, they gossip about you and just totally ruin your reputation. The solution is to just take them out from your life; like a quote I read said, “If someone doesn’t appreciate your presence, make them appreciate your absence.” However, it is easy for me to say this, but when the time comes, things get really complex. Especially if it is a friend you have had for a long time, it will be much difficult to “accuse” them because of the connection you have with them. But still, it is important to take care and defend yourself, when you know it actually hurts and disturbs.

Going back to the YouTube coming out videos, I remember seeing so many people telling about two completely opposite outcomes that happened as a result of coming out to their family and friends. Of course, some are amazingly inspiring, while others are just completely heart-breaking. Many closeted people get really scared because of the bad results that may occur. However, it may be MUCH simpler to just neglect the fact that there is a probability for things to go wrong. But as we already know, we cannot just ignore reality. My ex-English teacher used to tell me to expect the worse thing to occur when I come out. This was extremely terrifying, especially because these words came from someone I truly trust and look up to even today. Now, while I am writing this, I feel like I am gaining some understanding of what she meant. Anything can happen when you come out. Things can go wrong, but rather, everything can improve. Part of thinking the worse could happen is that you can be relieved when it actually does not happen the way you foresaw it. You can actually be like, “Oh, that was not as bad as what I thought.” This is not for sure, though, for as unfortunately as it may seem, worse things can happen from those you already expected. However, as the same ex-English teacher told me, “Do not overthink things.” Do not completely surround yourself with the bad things you expect to happen because this may lead you to become very depressed. And I have learned it myself. Do not overthink it, but just keep it in mind. I know it is a lot for you guys to process and reflect on, but truly just think about it and keep it in mind.

Well, guys, this is the end of my blog entry. Thank you for taking your time to read my first blog entry. Hope you enjoyed it! I know it is not the best one, but bear with me, I am just getting started.  Can you guys do me a HUGE favor? In the comments below, tell me some topics you want me to discuss with you guys. Instead of just me deciding the topics, I want topics that will interest you the most! Also, if you have any questions about any struggles in your life, just feel free to ask them. Thank you very much! It is greatly appreciated!

Love and peace to all of you,

Eiichi